Developing close connections with kids - care, challenge, support, etc.

 Developmental Relationships Framework by The Search Institute

(from Marshall Memo #873)

The Minneapolis-based Search Institute created the Developmental Relationships Framework aimed at fostering “close connections through which young people discover who they are, cultivate abilities to shape their own lives, and learn how to engage with and contribute to the world around them.” The Framework has five elements, each with specific actions that make relationships powerful (quoted directly):

• Express care: Show me that I matter to you:

• Be someone I can trust.

• Really pay attention when we are together.

• Make me feel known and valued.

• Show me you enjoy being with me.

• Praise me for my efforts and achievements.

• Challenge growth: Push me to keep getting better:

• Expect me to live up to my potential.

• Push me to go further.

• Insist I take responsibility for my actions.

• Help me learn from mistakes and setbacks.

• Provide support: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals:

• Guide me through hard situations and systems.

• Build my confidence and take charge of my life.

• Stand up for me when I need it.

• Put limits in place that keep me on track.

• Share power: Treat me with respect and give me a say:

• Take me seriously and treat me fairly.

• Involve me in decisions that affect me.

• Work with me to solve problems and reach goals.

• Create opportunities for me to take action and lead.

• Expand possibilities: Connect me with people and places that broaden my world:

• Inspire me to see possibilities for my future.

• Expose me to new ideas, experiences, and places.

• Introduce me to people who can help me grow.

The Framework linked below has a checklist of specific actions that can be helpful during the pandemic.

“The Developmental Relationships Framework” from The Search Institute, 2018

Past Trauma May Cause Both Behavioral and Health Changes

Article by Harvard Woman's Health Watch

"Past Trauma May Haunt Future Health" (link)

Behavioral changes resulting from trauma. People who are suffering from traumatic memories may try to escape them by participating in risky behaviors such as drinking, smoking, drug use, or even overeating for comfort. "Those can all be used as a coping mechanism, a way of dealing with emotional dysregulation that occurs when someone has been traumatized," says Roberts. These habits, in turn, lead to health problems.

Physical effects related to trauma. The problem goes beyond unhealthy habits. Experts believe that there is actually a direct biological effect that occurs when your body undergoes extreme stress. When you experience something anxiety-provoking, your stress response activates. Your body produces more adrenaline, your heart races, and your body primes itself to react, says Roberts. Someone who has experienced trauma may have stronger surges of adrenaline and experience them more often than someone who has not had the same history. This causes wear and tear on the body — just as it would in a car where the engine was constantly revving and racing, she says. Stress responses have also been demonstrated in people who have experienced discrimination throughout their lives. "It ages your system faster," says Roberts.

Chronic stress can increase inflammation in the body, and inflammation has been associated with a broad range of illness, including cardiovascular disease and autoimmune diseases, says Roberts. Early trauma disrupts the inflammatory system. This can lead to long-term aberrations in this system and chronic health problems triggered by constant inflammation. Typically, the more trauma you've experienced, the worse your health is.

Changing Destructive Behaviors: Origin Stories

From HBR article “Getting to the Bottom of Destructive Behaviors,” by Ron Carucci 

If you, or someone you coach, has struggled to change chronic destructive behavior — anything from angry outbursts to freezing up in high-risk moments to asserting excessive control under stress — uncovering their origin stories may help you break through and make way where other approaches have failed to.  The process involves four steps.

1) Write down the origin stories.

I ask my clients to recall scenes from their formative years, usually between the ages of five and 20, in which the importance of the behavior in question started to appear.  Take the case of my recent client, Andy, the division president of a global accounting firm. He was affable, articulate, with an infectious energy that earned him high regard. But these positive qualities were counteracted by a defiant need to be right, crave the spotlight, and talk incessantly. I asked Andy to write down stories from his formative years centered around times he learned that being both right about, and central to, so many issues became critically important to him. I wanted him to uncover why being wrong or on the periphery was threatening to him. My hunch was that Andy only felt safe when he was talking, and that having his views questioned triggered a sense of inadequacy and shame. The question I told him to try and answer was this: When and how was this behavior learned?    

2) Identify the inner narrative. 

The origins of destructive behavior are almost always attached to well-formed narratives. These narratives serve as templates, or biases, through which we make sense of the world, and often manifest in reaction to experiences we faced earlier in life — or our origin stories. Unless we rewrite them, we spend our lives recreating conditions that reinforce them. But we can’t rewrite stories that we can’t even name. That’s what this step is about.  One of the stories Andy wrote was about the social struggles of changing schools when he was ten. Andy was both a severe stutterer and suffered with ADHD. His new school required him to attend “special education” classes in the middle of the day when everyone else was at recess. For two years, Andy’s daily walk of shame past jeering peers to what they called the “stupid classroom” set the stage for a defiance and shame that would manifest as the behaviors he now couldn’t change.  Andy learned that to prevent being seen as “stupid,” he needed to be highly likable, articulate without stuttering, and consistently demonstrate how smart he was to others. To him, being smart meant being right. I asked Andy to identify in one sentence what that vulnerable season taught him. The narrative Andy wrote down was: “Unless you can prove otherwise, everyone will see how stupid you are.”  His interpretation is starkly revealing. Andy didn’t believe he had to prove he wasn’t stupid. He believed he had to hide the fact that he was. Those years of ritualized public shame caused him to conclude he was inadequate, unintelligent, and therefore, had to adopt sophisticated behaviors to conceal that “truth” from others.  But his abrasive behaviors ended up doing the opposite — pushing people away and replicating his childhood experiences of rejection. Consequently, he had to acquire others’ acceptance and admiration using upbeat energy and brilliantly articulated ideas. Andy realized he’d spent his entire life perfecting a cycle that, while made him feel momentarily safe, yielded the very rejection he sought to escape.

3) Name the need the behavior is serving. 

The anchor that holds troubling behavior in place is the need it serves. This step is about figuring out what that need is. Chronic, destructive behavior is usually an attempt to resolve the painful experience that initiated it. When I asked Andy to tell me what he ultimately wanted, he said, “I want to feel like I belong just by being me.” The problem was that he learned early in life that he couldn’t both “belong” and “just be me.” As a result, he chose to concoct a new version of himself.  Andy and I discussed exactly what this meant: To counter his feelings of self-contempt and shame and purchase others’ acceptance, he made sure others believed he was an affable, articulate guy, especially at his place of work. His unconscious need to reinforce his own belief that he was stupid and unlikable is what made him resistant to change, despite cognitively understanding he should in fact change.  While he freely acknowledged the negative consequences of his behavior on others (cognitive) and desired to actually stop (motivation), the unaddressed pain of those formative years (trauma) was simply too formidable to be more than momentarily counteracted by his will or his acknowledgement. This cycle had set a destructive pattern into motion.

4) Choose a new narrative and alternative behaviors. 

Once someone has identified the deeper needs that that their troubling behavior serves, no matter how irrational they seem, they can begin the process of change.  To start my clients off, I always ask them to take a stab at writing down a new narrative. For Andy, the prompt was: What would happen if you really were smart and didn’t need to purchase other’s approval with your enthusiastic energy or by using your verbal mastery to appear intelligent? Do you think others would still admire you if you were quiet? For his new narrative, Andy wrote, “I am liked, smart, and safe even in silence.” It’s common to dismiss formative stories as mere parts of our past. A divorce, a loved one’s fatal illness, being bullied, surviving a natural disaster, and many other experiences, can leave lasting marks that shape who we become.

10 Things to Say to Someone Thinking about Suicide

As part of the departmental focus on mental health of teens, here are two practical "what to say" articles:

10 Things to Say to Someone Thinking of Suicide (link)

I'd encourage you to read the entire article which explains why these are good things to say.  But here's the list:

1. “I’m so glad you told me that you’re thinking of suicide.”
2. “I’m sad you’re hurting like this.”
3. “What’s going on that makes you want to die?”
4. “When do you think you’ll act on your suicidal thoughts?”
5. “What ways do you think of killing yourself?”
6. “Do you have access to a gun?”
7. “Help is available.”
8. “What can I do to help?"
9. “I care about you, and I would be so sad if you died by suicide.”  (*be careful with this one)
10. “I hope you’ll keep talking to me about your thoughts of suicide.”

10 Things NOT to Say to someone Thinking of Suicide (link)

1. “How could you think of suicide? Your life’s not that bad.” 

2. “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” 

3. “Suicide is selfish.” 

4. “Suicide is cowardly.” 

5. “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” 

6. “You have so much to live for.”

7. “Things could be worse.” 

8. “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die.” 

9. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” 

10. “You will go to hell if you die by suicide.”  

Increase in Teen Suicide and What We can Do about it

Richard A Friedman in the NYT.
"Why Are Young Americans Killing Themselves?" (link)

"After declining for nearly two decades, the suicide rate among Americans ages 10 to 24 jumped 56 percent between 2007 and 2017, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And for the first time the gender gap in suicide has narrowed: Though the numbers of suicides are greater in males, the rates of suicide for female youths increased by 12.7 percent each year, compared with 7.1 percent for male youths.

"At the same time, the rate of teen depression shot up 63 percent, an alarming but not surprising trend given the link between suicide and depression: In 2017, 13 percent of teens reported at least one episode of depression in the past year, compared with 8 percent of teens in 2007, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health.

...

"To start, we need a major public campaign to educate parents and teachers to recognize depression in young people and to learn about the warning signs of suicide — like a sudden change in behavior, talking or writing about suicide, and giving away prized possessions. We should have universal screening of teenagers at school, with parental consent, to identify those who are suffering from depression and who are at risk of suicide. And we have to provide adequate funding and resources to match the mental health needs of our young people.

"Every day, 16 young people die from suicide. What are we waiting for? 

See also the Pew Educational Trust study.

Most U.S. Teens See Anxiety and Depression as a Major Problem Among Their Peers

Pew Trust shares an article about how teens are stressed.  (link)

Here's the beginning of the article:

"Anxiety and depression are on the rise among America’s youth and, whether they personally suffer from these conditions or not, seven-in-ten teens today see them as major problems among their peers. Concern about mental health cuts across gender, racial and socio-economic lines, with roughly equal shares of teens across demographic groups saying it is a significant issue in their community.

"Fewer teens, though still substantial shares, voice concern over bullying, drug addiction and alcohol consumption. More than four-in-ten say these are major problems affecting people their age in the area where they live, according to a Pew Research Center survey of U.S. teens ages 13 to 17.

"When it comes to the pressures teens face, academics tops the list: 61% of teens say they feel a lot of pressure to get good grades. By comparison, about three-in-ten say they feel a lot of pressure to look good (29%) and to fit in socially (28%), while roughly one-in-five feel similarly pressured to be involved in extracurricular activities and to be good at sports (21% each). And while about half of teens see drug addiction and alcohol consumption as major problems among people their age, fewer than one-in-ten say they personally feel a lot of pressure to use drugs (4%) or to drink alcohol (6%).

From Marshall Memo 816

Troubling Data on Youth Suicide

            In her New York Times Personal Health column, Jane Brody cites statistics on the increase in suicides and suicide attempts among young people. From 2007 to 2017, the suicide rate among 10-to-24-year-olds increased by 56 percent, making it the second-leading cause of death in this age group (after accidents). Suicide attempts have quadrupled over the last six years, a statistic that is probably an undercount. “We’re in the middle of a full-blown mental health crisis for adolescents and young adults,” says psychologist/author Jean Twenge (San Diego State University). “The evidence is strong and consistent both for symptoms and behavior.”

Because of the shame generally associated with suicide, families often shroud the issue in secrecy, and there isn’t the kind of national mobilization that would normally accompany this kind of data spike. “We invest heavily in crisis care,” says John Ackerman, a suicide prevention expert at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Ohio, “which is the most expensive and least effective means of preventing suicide.” The key, he says, is identifying vulnerable youth as early as elementary school, helping them cope with stress, and teaching them what to do if they have a crisis. This can be as simple as regularly checking in on young people’s emotional status. “It’s not putting ideas in their heads to ask directly whether they’ve had thoughts of suicide or dying,” says Ackerman. “That doesn’t increase their risk. Rather, it’s relieving. You actually reduce the risk if you help kids talk through these difficult issues.”

What is causing the increase in suicidal ideation, attempts, and deaths? Experts point to several factors:

• Social media and communication patterns – “Kids never disconnect,” says Henry Spiller, director of the Central Ohio Poison Center. “They go to bed with their smartphones. It may be cyberbullying. It may be envy.” Twenge agrees: “There’s less face-to-face time spent with friends. It’s now the norm to sit home Saturday night on Instagram. Who’s popular and who’s not is now quantifiable by how many people are following you… There’s a lot of negativity, competition, and jockeying for status…”

• School-based interactions – Suicide data for young people track the academic year – September to December, January to May – which is not true of adults. This suggests that negative social interactions in and around school are the areas that educators, families, and health care professionals have to monitor.

• Sleep – Teens’ quantity and quality of sleep can affected by going to bed late and night-time social media activity. “The brain can’t slow down and relax,” says Twenge. Kids shouldn’t look at the blue light of their devices less than an hour before bedtime. Parents can set limits, such as setting their kids’ phones to shut down at 9: 00 p.m.

• Information and means – Kids with smartphones have unfiltered access to Internet sites that tell them how to harm themselves. And some homes give young people unguarded access to firearms and potentially lethal medications and other substances.

• Sometimes a perfect storm – School, social, and family problems can converge to create a crisis. “Ultimately,” says Ackerman, “it’s a combination of economic, social, and technological factors that come together along with family and school issues, and kids are less equipped to tackle these problems.”

“Time to Sound the Alarm Over Youth Suicide” by Jane Brody in The New York Times, December 3, 2019, https://nyti.ms/2Po5dCF

Teachers as "Amateur Counselors"

From Marshall Memo 808

Can Teachers Be Amateur Counselors with Their Middle Schoolers?

            “Tweens may think bad feelings stick around forever, struggle to interpret feedback, or have no idea how to make themselves feel better,” says Washington, DC school counselor and author Phyllis Fagell in this article in AMLE Magazine. Here’s what an angry 14-year-old at Fagell’s school experienced one day: she took offense when a classmate made an innocuous comment about her weekend plans; she felt rejected when there wasn’t room to sit with her friends at lunch; and when she was scolded by a teacher for being chatty that afternoon, she yelled that she always got blamed for everything and stomped out of the classroom. Sitting with this angry girl a few hours later, it took a while for Fagell to get her to identify why she was so on edge: she’d had a fight with her mother on the way to school.

            Eruptions like this happen all the time with young teens, who are seldom in touch with the underlying reason that an argument, a slight, an or an ambiguous comment can sour their mood. Fagell suggests some counseling techniques that any educator can use:

            • Artfully reframing – “Getting disinvited from a sleepover, bombing a test, or getting excluded from a gift exchange all can feel like catastrophes,” she says. One trick is helping kids think about the situation as if they were looking down on it from a hot-air balloon. Another approach is walking through it step by step to the logical conclusion: Will it really turn out so badly? And if it does, what will you need to cope?

            • Challenging distorted thinking – Students “think in black and white, overgeneralize, and discount the positive,” says Fagell. A boy might ignore numerous positive comments on a presentation and obsess about one snarky remark about his voice cracking. Adults need to point out faulty perceptions and ask kids to come up with alternative possibilities.

            • Validating – There’s a tendency to refute comments like, “You never call on me” or “No one ever wants to be my lab partner,” but a better approach is to acknowledge the feeling and sympathize with it: “If I thought no one wanted to be my lab partner, I’d be pretty upset too.” Feeling heard makes it more likely that a student will be open to taking the next step and solving the problem.

            • Listening actively and reflectively – Repeating students’ concerns back to them, says Fagell, “requires concentrating, matching a student’s body language, turning toward them, eliminating distractions, making eye contact, and ensuring your tone, gestures, and words are in alignment.” And no shuffling papers or glancing at your computer!

            • Providing psychoeducation – Counselors can help other educators in their school understand the difference between depression and normal teenage mood fluctuations, and know when to talk to a student themselves or make a referral to a specialist.

            • Scaffolding risk-taking – For example, if a student has been taking tests in a separate room as part of an IEP, see if she can take a test in her regular classroom with her back turned to classmates. If a student is afraid of making a presentation to his class, have him present to a few trusted friends or read from a script.

            • Asking open-ended questions – For example, How do you learn best? What excites you? What progress do you hope to make in your class? “Solicit their opinions,” says Fagell, “treat them as the expert in their lives, and speak above their maturity level to convey respect.”

            • Linking thoughts to feelings and behaviors – “Tweens experience intense lows and are wired to remember the negative, and that makes middle school the perfect time to reinforce positivity and optimism,” says Fagell. Teachers might have students fill in charts on their mood or hang their names on a clothesline that shows their emotions, then discuss ways to turn around a sour frame of mind – and also savor and extend moments of joy.

“Eight Counseling Techniques Every Middle-School Educator Can Use” by Phyllis Fagell in AMLE Magazine, October 2019 (Vol. 7, #4, pp. 39-41), https://bit.ly/2MAQ8wd